Daughter

There's a song I love. I listen to it when I run and often start crying, sometimes I run with my hand lifted up in the air like a moron. It just stirs something in my heart so intense, and I recently realized why.

It's' called Amos Story by Aaron Ivey, you an watch it here, and it's a beautiful song, and video. You should stop reading this...and go watch that, then come back here.

Okay, finished? Here's why it's beautiful to me. It's the song of this father, who is nations and oceans away from his son, separated. He is far off, and the father longs to bring him near. It's an adoption story, and it's so glorious because I too, am adopted.
"But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship." Galatians 4:4-5

I am adopted by God. Over and over the Bible says it. So when I hear these lyrics:
"I’ll find a way to get you here
If it takes my fleeting breath"

My heart rejoices, not because he can't or didn't...but because he did. It took every breath, he gave the last breath all to bring the world near.


"Lightyears away I hope you know
There is somebody searching
For the way to get you here"

He waited...years, thousands of years to be more specific to come to earth ,not to live and gain earthly treasures, but to die and gain a heavenly prize. He found the way, to get us there. And he took it. I get this picture in my mind of Jesus, watching next to the Father, waiting eagerly and anxiously, with bated breath to rush forward and grab us again, to bring us near.

He loves us so so so. Not because we are worthy or exceptional, but because he is love.

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." Romans 8:14-16

Are you getting this?

We were adopted. Not bought on Easter Sunday all those years ago to be slaves, living in constant fear of death, bought back to be sons and daughters.
I was bought to live as a daughter. You were bought, to live as a child of God.



And as we wait here, we are not only waiting. We owe a debt to the world to tell them of the same adoption call on their lives. Would it be kind, fair, or just for an orphan to be lovingly snatched from an orphanage to live with a father who loved so intensely and so perfectly, and not feel some sense of loss for those who were left behind. Would it be loving for the same orphan (now an adopted daughter) to hear her now Father look at her and say, "Go! Tell the other orphans, I want them too! Bring them here." and instead sit where she is in comfort, refusing to share--relegating her life to some self-indulgent, entitled existence.

No, we long for heaven, we groan waiting for it. But we press on, thinking of that same eternity to show others the adoption.

"So dream, dream, dream my child
Hear the whisperings of hope"

I will dream. I will dream huge dreams that tell others of this love. I will dream dreams that do not limit the power of a mighty God working through the life of his now daughter. I will dream and hear the whisperings of hope for those who are still orphans. And I will surrender my time, resources, and every breath, to point others back to my Father.

It's Easter. It's adoption. It's ours.

Not Conviction

I almost titled this post Conviction, because I've recently been totally convicted about something that I'm pursuing...then I looked up the definition...here's what it said:
Conviction: a fixed or firm belief

I'm not sure I could in good conscience use that term...as I'm not too convinced that I live like this is a firm belief in my life, yet.

So there's this really awful little feature that I just discovered on my blog and that is the "stats" feature. This is where you can track how many people look at your blog, how many have looked at which post, how many from other websites, which websites...it's (as I mentioned) terrible.

But I'm obsessed.

I check it...a.....lot.

And I'm vowing to stop. Completely--to not even look (I'm cringing as I type) because it puts all the focus on me, and my endeavors. If I start looking there, I'm not really writing for the right reasons (to bring glory to God, and what he's teaching me)...I'm writing to try and get more peeks at my posts.


I'm reading the book Radical by David Platt, and he spends a lot of time talking about what we do in our own strength, and how (long story short) it's a waste of our life. There's this thought he shares:

"This, after all, is the goal of the American dream: to make much of ourselves. But here the gospel and the American dream are clearly and ultimately antithetical to each other. While the goal of the American dream is to make much of us, the goal of the gospel is to make much of God."

So there's this stuff going into my brain...reminding me that the why is always more important than the what. Then there's this whole other stream of thoughts also going on that I am learning, and that is...I love to write. I love to act. I love to be in large groups of women, and love to make them laugh.

Now originally, I thought these two things were opposing forces. One was selfish, me wanting to pursue my dreams and my goals, and my desires to get attention, and the other was a crucifying of myself and a dying to myself, and living miserably, but in a way that exalts God.

I'm realizing that the to work in perfect tandem with each other. That they are both possibly from God. That it is good for me to love to write, be funny, and act. Those are blessings when they are done to make much of the gospel.


I'm sure the rest of you have realized this, but it's been beautiful for me to wake up to (honestly, I can feel a weight coming off my chest even writing this post).
And I'm ecstatic about living this adventure he has. One that will be marked with suffering and hardship (I am sure) but that holds the potential to make much of a God who is ultimately satisfying to all who find him.


I want to live in that kind of way. Surrendering everything I have, gifts, resources, time, and breath and steps and energy. All for the glory of God. I want every post to make much of him, every choice in how I spend my time to make much of him.

Think of how big I can dream if I'm relying on the power of an infinite God. Think of how much God will be able to do now that I'm trying (moment by moment) to get out of the way.

and

Think of how small it is to only live to make much of ourselves. To live day in and out pursuing the goal of making wonderful grandiose praises for my own little kingdom that will last sixty some more years at most.



That's the beauty of living for the gospel--one day I will not be remembered, but my God will still be known, better to give my life up pointing others toward him.

Live like we're dying...cause we are.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time I was talking to a woman about being transparent.
Once upon a time I told her about how it needed to happen in our church walls....needed to be breathed out. Needed to break the porcelain molds that hold us in, and needed to shatter the "churchy-ness" that American Christianity perpetuates.

Once upon a time...she asked me why.

This woman I trust....I respect, this wonderfully wise, calm, yoda-esque woman.
And then began my journey....cause I just wasn't sure why all of the sudden.

Thankfully she took the time to help me understand why.

And here was her advice....go right to that place where I feel most anxious. The thing that makes me clamor and stress. I could list a variety of them, her advice was to go to the thing that pops first in my mind, I'd know what it was.

For me it was when I send an email (especially on a vulnerable subject) or put myself out there somehow and then hear nothing. You know when you were younger and you used to get called to talk to the principal....that feeling of impending doom? That feeling that comes up when your mom used to say "We need to talk?".....no? You must've been a better kid than me.

It might sound silly but it sends me into a panic. She then encouraged me to follow that rabbit trail all the way to the end...asking myself all the hard questions that come with that fear.


Here's what it looked like for me:
What if I don't hear anything? What if they think I'm an idiot? What if they're judging me? What if I was too harsh? What if I shouldn't have said anything? What if they don't like me? What if they don't talk to me anymore? What if I've lost my good standing in their eyes?

There were many more "what ifs", and each one fired off a sensor in my mind that made me terrified.
This woman's advice to me was that if you follow it long enough you'll understand what you're believing about yourself that is not true.

For me it was this:
I am believing that if others don't like/accept/appreciate/affirm me...it means I am not worth much.

And that's obviously a lie.

It starts with being transparent with ourselves. With our God.
"God. I am scared. I am scared I might be right about myself. Scared they might be right about me. Scared of what will happen if I'm not accepted."


That beginning thought to transparency, agreement to tell the truth about where we are, honesty with ourselves and God puts us in the best position to hear truth.
Truth about ourselves. Our worth. Mainly our God--because hearing the truth about ourselves and our worth are really just stories about what he's done to declare wonderful things about who we are in him.

I'm trying to learn to start there. So I can finish well with him.

Reckless Abandon: A story about Stephanie

Skipping the small stuff, getting to the point.


Stephanie used to be a self-proclaimed lesbian.

Now, you can read her amazing, Christ-celebratory story here.. But that's not as much what I'm writing about.

I'm writing about the way she lives now.
She lives bravely.

Bravely aware of her identity in Christ. Bravely surrendered to the Savior who laid claim on her life. Bravely humble about what he's done for her.

Stephanie is not afraid of sharing her story, what she's been through and even the really really vulnerable parts of her story, because she recognizes there is nothing she could gain from coming across as having it together. Nothing significant she could hold onto from not telling people. But there is glory in dying to herself. There is a beautiful abandon that comes from not trying to make a name for ourself, not trying to sustain an image that isn't ours to claim in the first place.

Steph has shared her story with multitudes of people. She boasts of her lowly place because she recognizes there is nothing to be lost for her. She cannot lose her standing, she cannot lose her worth or value. It is secure. And she can live recklessly for the gospel (and does) because she's not holding on to those attempts.

When I asked her if I could share her story, she not only responded with an immediate "yes" but also allowed me to share as much of her sin as I wanted....amazing how surrendered this girl is.
She also shared with me two verses that are so liberating:

"And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, "Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death." Revelation 12:10-11

"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." Acts 20:24

Thanks Steffers. For being open. For being a little more out there than some might be comfortable with. For living a brave life for the gospel.

The way you live showed me how to not count my life as precious to myself.

Fake it till...

Consider yourself warned...


You'd think, for an actress, I'd be better at pretending. Pretending to like people, pretending to be in a good mood, pretending to have it together.
But I'm not.
In fact, one of the hardest things for me is being something I'm not.
Mainly because I'm selfish...I recognize that. But I'm thinking some of it is good.

Here's the thing. Our culture is centered around being fake. Fake boobs, fake hair color, fake teeth, botox, spanx, makeup. All to make us look better than we are. You'd think with all the recent hype about using "real sugar" vs. high fructose corn syrup, and blah blah blah, we'd be trending in a different direction. We're not.

And all that stuff is fine, to a degree....

But there's one place I can't stand it. One place I'm learning to be completely authentic, because it's what I want from others.

Relationships.
See, no one benefits from another female relationship where we have it together. The person faking it doesn't benefit, the person observing the fake-ness doesn't. It's destructive.

And I won't stand for it.
At least not in my own life.
I'm learning a lot about authenticity...about transparency. What it looks like--what it doesn't look like. And why it's significant.
Here's what I'm learning...in list form.

What it isn't:
1. Saying whatever you think. This is different. This is called pride. While I am also terribly guilty of this...it's a different evil. This one says "My opinion is there, I'll tell it to you, you deal with it, I don't care if it hurts your feelings."
2. Airing of grievances. It's not a license to say everything that bothers you about someone. (See number one). I am also guilty of this.
3. Confession. There's this bad tendency when it comes to being authentic. It can lean a different direction. One that is more religious than resting in the gospel. When my goal is to confess something so I don't feel bad about it anymore, it's wrong. It's penance--dare I say- it's sin. I am also guilty of this.


What it is:
1. Vulnerability.
2. A rejection of self-protection.
3. The ability to rest in an identity that is given us in Christ, that is not founded on a facade we fabricate.
4. The acceptance of being right where we are, exactly who we are, and relinquishing the desire to cover-up, get our act together, or appear to be something we're not.
5. A chance to be real before others, and be accepted for being that way. Not mocked, belittled, condescended or gossiped about.

Why it's crucial (I deleted the word "important"):
1. We are all flawed, each one of us. And as long as we're encouraged to cover that up and pretend we have it together--we're just propagating the pride that keeps us from God. Once we realize we can be loved and accepted with others right where we are, we'll recognize we can be the same way with God. (Obviously God does not love or accept our sin, but he sees our Savior's record when he looks at us)
2. A need to cover-up, pretend, be fake, just facilitates comparing, cattiness, and gossip. As long as "someone else looks worse than me" then I don't have to be afraid of being found out. Is this making sense? When I throw someone else under the bus, then I'm not afraid of the bus hitting me. If I'm not trying to "self-protect" everyone is allowed and encouraged to be jsut as screwed up as they are right now, because I'm just as screwed up as I am.
3. It rests in the gospel. Self-protection...pretending....faking it...does not.
Faking it rests in the image of myself I've crafted. The one where I don't look so bad. Being authentic, vulnerable, transparent, rests in Christ. When I understand that "we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope" (Tim Keller) I am able to rest, and be real.
4. I don't need one more person in my life who has it together.

At this point I was going to wax eloquent a disclaimer about how it is never acceptable to be complacent with sin, and "let it all hang out"....but I'm not even going to do that. If you think that's where I am, and I need to explain myself, you should go back and read any of my previous posts.

In the weeks to come, I'll be sharing stories. Stories of what this has looked like in my life (most if not all of them will make me look terrible, which I'm okay with). I'm learning too much about relationships to not share. I'm learning how to be a Christian. I'm learning how to be a real woman, in a real world, saved by a real Savior. I'm learning that it's good to tell the truth, especially when it makes you look bad. I'm learning what it looks like to rest in the gospel. I'm learning how to fail gracefully, what's important, and what I want my daughter to learn.

Mainly I'm learning how little I've learned.

But I will say this, the more I learn how to be okay with messing up, and okay with others doing the same...
the more free I am.
And that's just the way I want to live.

Inexplicable

The other day we were walking out of the restaurant part of Cracker Barrel and Ellie was probably 10 steps ahead of me (running out), an old man (maybe 90? definitely over 80) was walking in super slowly--like it was hard for him to walk. On her way out Ellie ran right up to him and grabbed his hand, like she'd known him her whole life. He looked down at her and squeezed her hand and they had the weirdest little interchange with no words.

I felt in an instant like I was out of the loop. Like my two year old and that man knew something that I had no idea about. It was so bizarre. All the tables around them stopped what they were doing and watched. We all paused and the world stood still while we witnessed a moment that none of us seemed to understand and then Ellie let go and ran off. A moment that felt pregnant with importance, but was completely nonchalant for the two involved.



I can't stop thinking about this. Maybe because I couldn't fit it into a place in my brain, because I just couldn't understand or explain away why it happened. And I couldn't attach a nice little story to it. It simply stood alone, punctuated my mundane day with a moment that inspired me for reasons I don't know. But I wonder if trying to explain it, trying to figure it out dumbs down the significance of it--washes away some of the mystery that makes it remarkable and beautiful.

And so I've decided I can be okay with not knowing, with never knowing.

I can let God be God, and have the secret things for himself. He can know. I won't.
In the meantime, I get to witness things that I can't explain.
And the song I'm listening to says:

"Sometimes things aren't always what they seem, words fall short in times like these."

(credits to Sandra with "Imperfect Melodies" for making the beautiful soundtrack to my blog,to Lynds for taking beautiful pictures, and to Courtney, for her good advice)

Fig Leaves

How much time do you spend crafting an identity you want to hide behind? You know, working on being skinny, funny, pretty, crafty, wise, spiritual? (those are mine) How much effort is given to those things? How much effort given to hiding? I'm taking a cue from my new favorite blogger Courtney and including tons of pictures that I illegally snag off the internet (she has rights to hers).

How much time to hiding behind an identity that is fabricated to make you look like you're not as messed up as you are? Like Eve hiding behind the hand-sewn fig-leaves in the garden, wondering who would see.

John and I were talking last night, about how much I've been struggling lately since I've been sick, and I'm not able to get out of bed early, read my Bible and exercise. It came down to me saying this very bluntly (please don't email me about eating disorders or I will egg your car):
"I have to be skinny"
....and him poignantly asking:
"Why do you have to be skinny?"



This completely disarmed me. I was ill prepared to answer such a direct question and all the things I could think I wanted to say to defend myself ("Because it's healthier", "So I'll feel good about myself", "So I can be more confident") Really boiled down to nothing and sounded so fake...cause I knew the truth.
I laid in bed, thinking about the real answer, and this blog post and struggled to sleep.

The real answer is (it's hard to be this transparent)...I want people to worship me.

Let me follow that up with the fact that I sat here and stared at the computer screen wondering if I really had the audacity to type what I felt in my heart. Wondering if I could somehow soften the blow of that truth by saying something like "think I'm great" instead of using the word "worship"...but I just couldn't do it justice.

I am guilty of the same sin that caused Lucifer to fall like lightning from heaven. And it's dreadful.

Now before you all start telling me how much I beat myself up, or downplaying what I just said let me also say that I am completely aware of the fact that my Savior died for that, it is finished, and I am forgiven.

But let me explain what I'm learning about this.
We are all in desperate need of being real. Putting it on the line. I don't mean in a sort of "I'm going to expose what I want you to see enough so it looks like I'm really honest but I'm really just using even that to craft my own image" kind of real. I'm talking about, "this makes me uncomfortable" kind of real.

A woman I really look up to just did something that I know makes her feel utterly exposed, and then made the comment to me about how that is her place of faith, because if we're not there, learning how to be comfortable in the place we're least comfortable, we are hiding.

God has recently been sparing me from hiding by stripping away the things I want to hide behind.
Well-behaved kids? Good luck forcing that one.
Spiritual bible verse wisdom? Not until I can read my Bible again.
Great muscles? How about you sleep in until 8am.
Good mothering? Well we watched 3 hours of television yesterday.

It's all this glorious thing, that was originally making me so miserable, but I'm learning now to find great rest in.

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46
We can bring our entire selves, completely real and exposed to the light. We can stand unashamed once more, in all our awful glory, with every truth we are ashamed to admit, because we have been granted a new identity.
We can be comfortable when we are anything but comfortable because we don't find our rest in what we do, or how we look, but in our Savior.

"The LORD sets prisoners free" Psalm 146:7
We have no reason to hide, no cause to find something to cover us...we are covered!
Behind every awful moment of being exposed is a chance to find rest in the gospel.
On the other side of every colossal "failure" is a God waiting with open arms to hold the daughter he already knew was a screw up.
And on the outside of every comfort zone, is a liberty that would never have been realized had we not ventured out.

What he sees

The above picture was drawn by my son. He is 4 and a half.
Tonight I'm looking at the picture and talking it over with my husband. How sweet it was that he wanted to draw a picture of me, how sweet that he wrote me a note. How (if you could see the rest of the picture) he drew himself with hair sticking up and his sister with pigtails. Then it dawned on me what I'm wearing in the picture. Look at it. There is a dress, floor-length, with those little sweepy things that Cinderella has on her gown, and circley puffy sleeves (I'm getting really technical with my fashion lingo here). He drew me in a princess dress. We started discussing it, and all the pictures my son draws of me, and I realized...he always draws me in a princess dress.
Mind you, I never have ever walked around the house wearing a princess dress (a wedding dress? yes...once, but princess dress? never). I walk around the house wearing jeans, or sweats, or a bathrobe...not a ball gown. Still, when my son is asked to draw a picture of me...I am a princess (a princess with no arms usually, but a princess nonetheless).
It started me thinking about God. And how this is true of our relationship with him as well. If God were to draw my picture, what would he draw? A prideful woman, who constantly demands her own way? A gossip? Maybe the incredible hulk (thinking of my propensity for anger)? No, none of those things. I'm convinced that if God were to sit down and draw a picture of me (I'd have arms) and would also look like a princess. Not because I am worthy. Not because I am smart enough, funny enough, skinny enough, patient enough, or deserving enough. But because I am his. A daughter of the king. Because his Son died for me and now, because of the righteousness that was won on my behalf, I am near, and rejoiced over.

I am a princess.

And I don't know about you, but someone thinking I'm a princess, makes me a lot more likely to act like one.

Unwrapped

Exposed. Ever heard of that word? Let me help you with the definition, it involves things like "depriving of shelter", "making known" and "causing to be visible". Okay, we've got a working definition, now you can delve into my life.
I'll warn you, most of my posts have a neat little bow on the end when I'm finished. A happy ending to leave us all feeling a little closure. This one is hurting a little too much to have such closure....but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Three weeks ago we get a report from one of our children's teachers in Sunday school about how he had a hard time listening, had to be taken out of the room etc. (this is all coming through my sweet husband filter, who remembers few if any details about such things). So we write it off, talk to little man about obeying and go on with it, when a week later another teacher says the same thing. Mid-week I take him to BSF and find out the same thing happened and finally, today after dropping him off and one of the overseeing teachers came up to me to "talk" about how he's doing I began to crumble. She asks if anything is going on at home, like a move, or a death (really?....or a terrorist plot, or a hostage situation?) and I kindly ask her for suggestions and get some great feedback (which she had great ideas for both.) I then (after responding quite diplomatically I must say) walk outside, call my man and begin to u n r a v e l.

There was a lot of talking, and a lot of crying (both done by me) about how hard I'm trying, how much of myself I'm giving, how I don't know what else I could sacrifice, or pray about, or work through or who else I could possibly get advice from or what other tool I could implement (ultimate run on sentence.) And I say something to the effect of "I keep sowing all that I have, and I feel like I should be reaping something different with this little boy, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong," to which my husband replies something to the effect of "it's not necessarily you." Of course I didn't believe him (though desperately wanted to) and go inside.

We start talking in the lesson about God, and how he won't share his glory and how he won't tolerate us believing in idols, and yet again I start being able to see how kind he is to me. Here's a verse:

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this.
How can I let myself be defamed?
I will not yield my glory to another." Isaiah 48:10-11

Okay, I have this nasty little habit. It's pride. My problem is I want to build a tiny little kingdom for myself. I set myself up, to make my name great with all sorts of great attributes like being funny, pretty, skinny, and (duh) having perfectly behaved little pawns to show the world what a great mom I am. (brutally honest here folks). When this little man starts getting in the way of me building said kingdom, I start to panic. I start to pray harder "God. Please help him to start obeying" (and those are good prayers, and I might even use good spiritual words like "win his heart")...but what I'm really wanting is for God to make him obey so I can check my box, have my little ego boost and move on. Not so God is glorified.

It is in this place, of feeling exposed, of feeling completely incapable of doing anything other than humbly seeking God, asking his teachers for advice and prayers, and consistently being a mom the only way I know how that I write. God is growing me in my motives. He is growing (as a friend called it) a really thick layer of gospel skin on my outside. Reminding me that I don't find my identity in how my son behaves (or doesn't for that matter) but in Christ alone. He is showing me that I cannot punch in the proper sequence of mothering activities (which would look something like: Bible, prayer, scripture, discipline, love, self control and chocolate in my head) and pop out a nice little marketable product of a child. He is showing me that I can rest in a place of complete uncertainty in how my kids behave and how I appear to others, because I'm not resting in those things at all, but in a sure foundation on the rock eternal. He is showing me that I cannot have the goal of producing good well-behaved children who always say "please" and "thank you" and never have dirty fingernails, because it's not only impossible, but also just serves to boost my ego and flesh, and doesn't really point them to a Savior.

So in the thick of all of this, I wait. Feeling completely naked and ridiculous, but also learning to be okay with being so because I trust in the robes of righteousness that are provided for me. I guess a great deal of mothering is being Fathered, and remembering that He is the one in control and leading. I'm sure this will serve me well when our son is 18 and comes home with a motorcycle and a girlfriend named Candy, and I know learning how to fall after I've built myself up is a great deal of life. I just hope in the future I don't let myself get so high that it hurts too bad.

He stoops

So this morning, I was supposed to go off to Bible study, and enjoy 2 hours of kid-free adult discussion about things that aren't Dora the Explorer and Disney and then follow it by a fellowship at a friend's house with my kids where she was making lunch for the entire group (read:free lunch and nice people). Well, Ellie- in an obvious maneuver to ruin my life- has had a runny nose for 3 days and despite my hopes that I would wake to a miraculous healing (how "New Testament" of me) it dawned on me 20 minutes before we left that she was still snotty and likely contagious. And compelled more by what other people would think of me than genuine concern for others (I'm not proud of it, I just rrrrrrreally wanted to go) I decided I had to stay home.

But I'm so mature that I handled it perfectly and went about our normal daily routine without a hitch...well, that's what I'd like to be telling you right now...but I'd be breaking a commandment if I said that (and frankly, you wouldn't have a very exciting post to read). Nope, I threw a temper tantrum. You might wonder what an adult temper tantrum looks like and I would submit to you that it's not all too different from a child's tantrum. I cried, I pouted, I complained to my husband so he'd feel bad about how hard my life as a mom is, and then I told God he was mean (in so many words, I'd never say it that plainly).

I announce to the kids that we're going for a drive (in my head carefully calculating where our "drive" should be to coincidentally pass by the local drive-thru coffee spot, and off we go. We were in the car about 3 minutes, listening to "Adventures in Odyssey" which is a christian radio program of stories for kids when I realized (sigh) God was going to teach me something. The story was all about trusting God. About a little boy who had been wanting to audition for the chamber choir, and had been praying about it, when a series of events that were unjust and out of his control led to him not being able to. The moral of the story was that we must trust God even when our circumstances seem like they're going the opposite way we'd been asking or wanting. Because to trust him only conditionally when we get the right things, or to trust him to provide exactly what we ask him for, isn't really trust at all. (I know, you guys already knew this, you're smart).

We go about the morning, and actually had a lot of fun kicking around target and playing tag in the clothing racks (yeah...that was us...sorry), and I'm starting to think to myself "this is fun, I'm actually enjoying my kids even though I was so mad." Then on the way home we're driving and the cars in front of me start to slow down. I don't know why they slow down (Linc said a dog ran across the road, but he also thinks he's invisible when playing hide and seek) and I happen to look up to see what I initially thought was a hawk. Upon closer look I shout "Linc, that's a bald eagle!!!" I couldn't believe it! I stared to the point of wrecking into the car in front of me, all the while shouting "I can't believe it!" (I stopped myself before "what does it mean?" but almost had a full on double rainbow moment). While we're driving away I'm telling Linc how amazing that was, how I've never ever seen a bald eagle just flying overhead, and by the time he starts wondering why the eagle was bald, it dawns on me:
"...but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

And in that moment, I realize, I can trust him. It doesn't have to look like I think it should. He is able to give me the strength to run and not grow weary when I trust him. He is more than I dared hope in sufficiency, grace and love, and he pursues me. He loves me when I'm stupid, when I'm mad, when I'm foolish and stubborn. He loves me when I'm pouty, rebellious and angry. He loves me enough to tell me so, even though I could never earn it. And he is interested in my life. It's enough when you experience something like that to soften even the hardest of hearts, and melt even the most stubborn walls.

Now, maybe this is coincidence, by chance it all happened in some cosmic scale dice toss. Maybe it's science, and all the protonuclematrons in the universe lined up to zap the eagle over my car at that exact moment. Maybe it's...buddah, or a reincarnate mind reader who is currently in his eagle life stage and new I needed to see one. But it's not.

It's God.

It's a real and living God interacting with a daughter that he loves enough to pursue. It's a God looking down from the heavens where he sits enthroned, seeing his tiny speck of a daughter in Fort Collins Colorado throwing a temper tantrum. And then choosing to not only put on a story on her radio at the exact moment that she needed to hear about trusting in his plans, but then also making a bald eagle fly over her car and causing her to look up and notice, and then reminding her of the song she had to memorize for a video shoot 3 years earlier with Isaiah 40:31 in it. (and no matter how common eagles are--in 28 years of living the only place I've ever seen one is a zoo).

Who can do that but God? Who would do that but God?

Cynics will scoff. Scientists will explain. Atheists will ignore. But I can tell you this much, there were 3 people in that car today, that had a very real experience with the God of the entire creation and all time, stooping to give his pouty, sinful little daughter a kiss on the cheek and a reminder of his love. And that's enough for me.

Hamburger in my pocket...

Well most of my posts are about something profound I learned from God. One of those "smack you in the head" moments that you can't help but talk about.

Tonight's events unfolded a little less dramatically, but God is still teaching me through it, let me fill you in...
I went to Walmart and was unloading my kids from the car when a bewildered looking woman walks up and ambiguously stands by me...not looking directly at me or addressing me, just standing there holding fake flowers in her hand and looking confusedly off in the distance. After looking at her a moment, wondering if she was going to pull out a gun on me (I watch a lot of Bruce Willis movies) I said "are you alright?". She proceeded to ask me if I wanted to buy some fake flowers so she could have money to buy her daughter diapers etc. I said I wouldn't give her money, but I was happy to buy her some diapers etc. She obliged and off we went...shopping. While we were standing in line I started hearing this voice in my head reminding me that I have the truth of the gospel and I needed to share it with her....I'm thinking "here...in Walmart?". I start feeling really anxious as the line is super crowded and there is no way I want to freak people out by saying (whisper voice) "Jesus". I look over in the line next to me and a friend from church is buying some groceries. A few minutes later I look further in the line and there is another woman from church in line and it dawns on me..."I'm not alone...Christ himself is here with me."

After some pathetic attempts at talking to her about Jesus (I'm not even going to feign eloquence or bravery), and some blank stares that returned I realized this was a closed door. I asked her how I could pray for her, gave her my email address, and told her about our church, which could help if she needed anything in the future. After many pleas from her for money to pay for the cabin she was staying in for the night (???) and an explanation that her brother was waiting in the car she left with not only diapers but (per her request) diapers, wipes, formula, a pacifier and a bottle, and I left with the receipt and the sneaking suspicion that I was being ripped off.

Then I came home and heard from three friends who shared stories with me that encouraged my pants off. The first was from the friend I saw in line. I wrote her and told her how her being there encouraged me and she said she was encouraged to know God had plans for her in light of her day. Apparently she had a day where nothing went according to her plans and it was nice to know that God could use her to accomplish his plans and that his plans were even better than hers. What a reminder to me (one who so often thinks I have amazing plans that God need only to listen to) that he is the creator of heaven and earth and has plans for me that will knock my socks off if only I'll show up to the game and stop trying to lead.

The second story was a friend who loved me enough to share a verse with me: ‎

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you."
—Luke 6:27-31. NIV

This was so good for me to remember, that it's not up to me to guard my money shrewdly but to give freely. Letting God be the judge. It was a breath of fresh air to remember that giving of my time, and my money, and my sanity (remember? Walmart?) was not in vain because he ASKS us to do that whenever it's required of us. And as a mother, it's required...in great demand.

The third story was from another sweet friend who told me of a time when she bought someone begging for food a hamburger and he shoved it in his pocket. She wisely pointed out what a friend had shared with her, that God keeps giving good gifts to us no matter how many times we've taken advantage. It was so refreshing to me to think of myself as the same as this woman. Here I am...hamburgers in my pockets running around this life.

It reminded me of a scenario with Lincoln this morning while I was trying to teach him (for the 1,000th time) what the number 8 looks like. He always forgets the number eight...alllllllllllllways. And my impatient self gets so fed up with it. Finally today, after making up some rhyme about how it looks like a snowman and him forgetting again (tally: 1,001) I was telling him "Linc why can't you remember this?" when I looked over at my bookshelf at all the wonderful Christian books we have. Books about parenting, and marriage, and faith, and the gospel, and sharing, and truth and anger....all things I read, learned once, and quickly forgot. Here I am belittling my sweet son for not learning lessons, when I myself am in constant need of reminders...talk about humbling.

I was so humbled to picture myself, hamburger in my pocket taking for granted the amazing tremendous gifts and truths God has given me, and he constantly blessing me over and over. And it is that generosity that I pray will motivate me to constantly give of myself to whomever may need, be it my 4-year-old when we pass the number 7, or the homeless druggie in the parking lot. We all have hamburgers in our pockets. I pray for the grace to remember them, and the hunger to remind us they're in there.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

I was reading this morning, to prepare my heart for Christmas I read Zechariah's song in Luke 1:68-79, and a phrase stood out to me. The entire song is beautiful as well is Mary's found in Luke 1:46-55, but one phrase in particular jumped off the page, Zechariah is reflecting on all that God promised to Abraham that will now be fulfilled and he says:

"to enable us to serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all our days."

This was amazing to me. I struggle a lot with feeling the need to perform in my mind. Feeling the pressure to live up to expectations, and God has been working on me lately to sink the gospel deeper into my heart and continually remind me it is finished, and Christ's righteousness has been granted to me forever. There is amazing freedom in knowing that. To think about Zechariah's day, when it was keeping the law, and doing and doing, and making sure to stay within the bounds, they must have always felt fearful to break the law, then comes Christ, entering the world as a baby king, born in hay, and all the rules and laws were satisfied for those who believe. And because of that, I serve God without fear.

When I obey, or do something right, I do it with complete freedom to love my God with a pure heart, because the consequence of not obeying is gone. When I sin and fall short (which happens most often) I do it without the fear of any punishment or separation because I live (as Zechariah said) "in holiness and righteousness before him all my days." Did Mary have any clue when she looked at that tiny baby in that stable, that for thousands of years to follow the righteousness and victory that this man won, would be granted to countless people who were then freed up to walk in liberty and serve God freely with no fear?

So as I open my gifts tomorrow (some of which I am, materialistically, OVERLY excited to receive...yes, I buy presents for myself and I love it), I will think of the gift of Christmas. Not just forgiveness of sins, which would be more than enough, more than I deserve, but liberty to serve, a perfect record of righteousness forever, the constant love and acceptance of my heavenly father, the right to call Jesus "big brother", the prayers and intercessions of my savior, the freedom to run the race of life without any entanglements of sin or fear holding me back, and the countless other gifts that came to this world freely, wrapped in the humble package of a baby to a poor family. The tiny package, who's gifts would pour out to equal blessing upon blessing for generations. The light that broke into this dark world and shone on the faces of those dwelling in the shadow of death, inviting them to step out of that darkness forever. And all this granted to us by the same way Mary was blessed, "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." (Luke 1:45) By turning our eyes to him, day after day, believing that he's too good to lie to us.

Merry Christmas, may you open gift after gift of your great salvation this next year, or for the first time, see the light shining on your face.

Uh-oh, I feel a metaphor coming on....

So, I've been running....and one thing you should know about me is that I h a t e running. Okay, scratch that....I hate-d running. Till recently.
One day John and I were running and at the end of our run I started my usual monologues about "so-and-so" and how fast she is, and how good she is at running, and how she loves it so much so that's why she's so good at it, and he says something that was so profound and completely simple, "well, of course you're going to love anything you're good at."
well, that kind of blindsided me.
Then this morning I was running and I was thinking, "wow, this isn't as hard as it usually is, why is that?" and I realized I was on the run for the sake of running. Not for the sake of running 30 minutes, or 3 miles, or 3 miles in 30 minutes, or because I have to so I won't die when I run the homecoming race, etc.

These two thoughts have since really affected the way I think about my faith.
1. We love doing things we feel like we're good at.
So here's the amazing part. I don't feel very good at being a mom, or a wife, or even a Christian lots of days. I feel like I'm kind of grumpy, selfish, easily angered, etc. And as long as I'm focusing on those things....I kind of hate the burden of going what's right. It's too hard for me cause I feel like I can't do it.
But when I realize that God sees me as being "good" at it already, not cause of what I do or don't do on a daily basis, but because of what Jesus did, it helps me realize those moment to moment successes or failures don't matter. It doesn't bring me closer to God, or separate me from him, I'm already "good" at this not cause of anything I could ever DO but because of a savior that perfectly obeyed and won that righteousness for me.
Keeping my eyes fixed on this and not my failures makes obeying not a burden, but a joy.
2. As long as I'm keeping score, I'm going to be focusing on the failure, or the success and not delighting in the act.
If my eyes are fixed on "three screw-ups so far, five good deeds" I'll never be free enough to delight in the journey, the process, the identity that is secured for me. And half the time, I'll be so trapped by the numbers, quantities and measures floating around on my mental scoreboard that I won't even remember the crucial fact that I am loved loved loved, and accepted, right now, for who I am right now, and who I'll be in ten minutes when I do something less spiritual and more stupid than write this blog about Jesus.

In all of this, I've come to love and treasure the words of this hymn:
"Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine,
Oh what a foretaste of glory divine.
Heir of salvation, purchase of God,
Born of his Spirit, washed in his blood."

You're a screw up? Great!

You should maybe go get your Bible, cause you don't want to miss this. Or go to this website and look up Psalm 37 (www.biblegateway.com)...seriously, go ahead....I'll wait.

I was reading in Psalm 37 the other day, and felt led to make a list of all the words that described the righteous man listed there, here's what I found:

Trust
Dwell
Enjoy
Delight
Commit
Be Still
Wait
Trust
Do not Fret
Inherit
Dwell
Take refuge
Do not Fret

Are you sensing a theme? I was amazed at the lack of words like, strive, work, acquire, be good, etc. I mean, those words were not even in there, then this list made me want to make a list of all the things God said he would do for this person:

Give
Make your righteousness shine like the dawn
Give
Uphold
Know their days
Make their steps firm
Uphold
Love
Will not forsake
Will not leave
Exalt
Provide
Help
Deliver
Save

Are you catching the difference? God does it all. We rest, trust, dwell, and wait. He SAVES! Now, I think we can apply this to our salvation and then somehow forget about it, and start striving in other areas of our lives, thinking that we are now supposed to be appropriately matched against our battles. This is a lie! We are ALWAYS ill-matched on our own, and our God is the one who works out the victory in our lives for his glory.

Think of every great Bible Character, and you will not see heroes who were completely competent, and strong, handsome and witty, ready to meet every challenge with perfect completion and readiness. Not in my Bible at least. My Bible has a laundry list of people who God chose (and he DID choose us if we're believers) to accomplish his purposes, who were completely unable to do it in their own strength. Moses, Joshua, Gideon, David, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, Peter, Jehoshaphat, Mary, the Israelites...ALL OF THEM!

He doesn't want people who are competent, he wants people who realize their incompetence and trust in an abundantly competent God. We MUST remember this the next time we are confronted with our lack (which for me, is daily). Surely there is some area where you have currently been made painfully unaware of your insufficiency. Surely there is some battle or foe in your life that seems larger than you and is coming from all sides. Surely there is some area where you start hearing a voice that's saying "You can't do this", or "This is bigger than you". If you have nothing like this in your life, then you're not living life!

Doesn't God allow times like his to deepen our trust and reliance on him. Doesn't he expose of insufficiency and tear away our strength at times so we are forced with the choice of running to a God of refuge who is bountifully strong. In Deuteronomy Moses says to the Israelites,
"The Lord will judge his people and have compassion on his servants when he sees their strength is gone and no one is left, slave or free. He will say "Now where are their gods, the rock they took refuge in, the gods who ate the fat of their sacrifices and drank the wine of their drink offerings? Let them rise to help you! Let them give you shelter! See now that I myself and He!" (Deut. 32:36-39) Right after this Moses tells the people, "These are not just idle words for you, they are your LIFE!" (verse 47).

Do you see that? There is life in recognizing our God will fight these battles for us, and we are not strong enough on our own. I am hoping you are facing something impossible right now. Not so you can have to go through hard things, but so you can see that God allows us to face things that sap our strength and reveal our lack of ability (for me that's just being a wife and mom). And then in light of that insufficiency, you can find life, strength and refuge in a God who is overflowing with power, and wants you near him. In his grace, he exposes the things that we start to put our life, trust and strength in (and often that's our own capability) and lets us scamper from thing to thing trying to find something to put our trust in, till we ultimately realize...the only place to go is God.

He is shelter, he is strength, he is refuge and he is mighty to save. Rest, trust, seek, enjoy, delight.
"As the scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame" (Romans 10:11)

A Whole New Beginning

Most of these posts of mine are the same old stories, told in different ways. This one is no different.

This week I got into a car accident. I don't even have a cool story to tell that makes me look like the suffering victim. Nope, it was my fault. I drove into the back of a car. And I'm not even talking while I was driving. I was stopped at a stoplight, thought the cars in front of me were moving, and drove right into the back of the car in front of me...with gusto--I mean, this was no tap.
I get out of my car in the rain to see the 67-year-old man in front of me, using our Lord's name in a less-than-praiseworthy manner. Afraid, and unable to see very well through my tears I get back in the car. Sit there for a moment and remembered the discussion from small group the night before, about how God can use any hopeless stupid choice, and turn it around to work all things for good for those who love him (Romans 8:28). I immediately prayed through sobs and shaky limbs "God, please use this for good somehow".

I'm then informed that the man in the car I hit had just had shoulder surgery, and was being taken to the hospital in an ambulance on a stretcher. I know...I'm a jerk.

So I go throughout my day, looking for something even remotely positive in this when I find the man's address amidst all the tickets, and paperwork they gave me. I decided to put together a little care package, with some bread, homemade chili, cookies and heat packs for my new enemy. The one who cussed me after I rear-ended him.

I drag my husband and kids along with me, thinking, "if this dude cusses me again at least my husband will feel sorry for me", and when I get to the door I look at John and say something really brave like "I think I'll just leave it on the doorstep, ring the bell and run away". To which John refused and prayed for me. I walk up to the door and ring the bell holding my pathetic little peace offering ready to ask forgiveness and the man answers.

He takes a moment to survey the situation (me standing in the rain with my food bags) and begins to tell me how glad he is that I showed up because he wanted to apologize to me. I stand there shocked, next to my husband, and we begin to have a 15 minute conversation with my new friend about life, parenting, God etc. He mentions that he lives alone, and gets so lonely sometimes that he'd talk to the walls. So, it's my new plan to take him cookies every couple weeks and talk with him for a few minutes since, well...we're now friends.

So the point in that is that God can bring good out of even the most hopeless things.
Which beings me to part two of the story.

The very next day I'm babysitting a friend's sweet little daughter and we're all having a great day, for about the first 20 minutes. Then my kids decide to call all the powers of hell to rebel, scream and throw fits at any opportunity they can find. At one point, after about 2 and a half hours of my kids working in tandem to ruin my life (I know, they weren't really, but you didn't see them!) I'm sitting at the top of my stairs, while Linc is screaming in the bathroom and I decide I absolutely must start praying.

I start praying "God what do you have for me in this? Where is this going?" and much more faith-filled things like "I can't do this" and "you should have picked someone else". When God turns my ears to the tiny voice of the little girl I'm babysitting singing at our kitchen table. This still small sweet voice singing the same simple refrain over and over again. "It's not an end, it's a whole new beginning."

And I stare straight ahead, dumbfounded as to why she'd be singing something this profound over and over. Then find the strength to continue in my day to day, all the while this refrain ringing in my ears.

In the days that follow God used the previous two stories to encourage me again and again.

Our pastor said once that God's address is at the end of ourselves. And I find great encouragement that even the most bleakest of times, the deepest miry pits, the darkest valleys are capable of turning into the most promising scenarios as we rely on a God who can turn all things to the favor of his children. He is infinitely resourceful and unfathomably loving. And as I come to the end of myself, I find the beginning of a life surrendered to a purposeful God.

Harriet Beecher Stowe said, "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."

The next time you're at your end...have hope and thank God for his new beginning, that is waiting to break forth.

Her Wastelands like a Garden

Have you ever contemplated the depths or lengths that God would go to just to pursue you? I'm not talking about before you became a Christian (although that's true as well) I'm talking about once we already accept Christ as our Savior and then choose to blatantly disobey and choose our own way, our own sin, over God's best.

Let me provide an example.

Most of my blog posts start with a story about how I am an awful sinner, as well they should, because a realization of my own poverty provides the utmost bedrock of a foundation for the gospel and glorious grace of Christ. So..we begin.
I am a sinner. An awful one. I'll skip through a few juicy and ugly details to let you know the gist of things. I was completely awful to my husband. I mean, not loving, rude, sharp-tongued, awful. You would have stared at me with your mouth open. I'm not proud of it, I'm not boasting in it, I know...it was bad.

And I don't typically have a problem accepting grace that comes after repentance when I've done something particularly stupid, but this time was different. I was having a really hard time knowing my forgiveness, walking in it, and receiving the gospel afresh after having screwed up so badly. I spent the morning groveling (which is just pathetic) to both my husband and my God. And praying that God would somehow be able to reaffirm his love for me, and wash my mind in the truth of my salvation anew. So there I am, two hours later, sitting at my Bible study and the leader asks for an answer to the 2nd question. I look down at my answer, and see it, almost blushing at the specificity with which God was speaking to me and then quickly look back up (making sure to avoid eye contact with my leader, lest she call on me to answer). I'd much rather sulk in my pity, than receive the truths God was trying to say thank you very much!

Well she called on the girl next to me, and then the girl across from me, and then a few more until it was apparent that no one else had answered the question but me. So I was the only one who could answer it. Here I am...clearly the last one in the group to be called on (at which point God is practically screaming in my ear--say it already). I look at the leader and make eye contact (ugh...now I HAVE to answer) and begin to talk....or should I say cry...like a baby.

Here's what I read. The question was "What did you find interesting or helpful in the notes last week?" My answer:
In the notes it talks about how Jesus predicts Peter's denial and loved him anyways, looking past the sin he would commit to the restoration that he would bring. The notes said: "What a comfort to know that Jesus knows my weakness, my present love, my future transformation in his hands, and loves me all through each stage as though I had already reached the perfection God promised will one day be mine."

Are you getting it? It was all about how Jesus called Peter, loved Peter, taught Peter, all the while knowing Peter would screw up and deny him, and yet Peter still was chosen, loved, and forgiven. The same is true with us. There is no ugly moment I will expose in my weakness and sin that God has not already seen, considered, and accounted for. They have all been laid bare, atoned for and nailed to the cross. What great freedom to live with such a truth.

God then brought my thoughts to Jonah, a story which my little Ellie has recently become obsessed with, and how this is a story of grace, not just to the Ninevites, but to Jonah. See God told Jonah to go and do something really hard, but loving for the Ninevites, even though they didn't deserve it (read: me loving my husband and being gracious and kind to him even when he was "unworthy" in my eyes), Jonah gave God the cold shoulder totally ran the opposite way and chose instead to hope they have to pay for their sins (read: me repaying evil for evil to my hubby, refusing to grant him that grace), God then pursues Jonah to the depth of the sea, in the belly of a whale to show Jonah grace, forgiveness, and a second chance because God loved Jonah.

There I was in the whale belly of guilt, when God graciously reached down, revealed his love for me yet again, and restored me. See, God's in the business of restoration. Why does David talk in the Psalms over and over about his life ebbing away? (Read Psalm 107...soon!) About the storm raging, and the desert places being....deserted. And then talk about how God lifted him up, calmed the storm to a whisper, and made the deserts like a garden? Because God delights in us needing him! Because he wants to restore, make beautiful, calm and comfort! He's about that!

I love it! I pray that I will always be aware of my need for saving, that I'll always have some stupid thorn in my side that will show me my need for a savior, that God will graciously let me be lowered down to the pit on my own (even though it hurts like hell) just so he can bring me back up when I cry to him.

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." Isaiah 51:3

Give it away

Sometimes we hear the same verse, story, message again and again. I'm thankful for that, cause God knows it take a little more than one time for my ears to hear him. Recently in church we heard a sermon on the woman who anointed Jesus' feet with all that she had in her alabaster jar, then again we read in my Bible study (the same week) about when Mary poured her expensive perfume over his head to anoint him and Judas condemned her extravagant gift.

Praise to God, this week I had a profound opportunity to put this into practice. My very generous mother-in-law gave me a beautiful gold necklace. I, however, don't really wear gold jewelry and John told his mom this (I would have never said anything and just kept it, but my husband does not accommodate such social graces. So my mother-in-law told me to sell it. John also told me I should sell it. So I started rattling through in my head all the things I'd love to buy with it, and decided I would ultimately buy a pair of UGG boots, to keep my feet toasty in the Colorado snow.

That was a long story...but bear with me. So here I am, thinking often about the new boots I'll get, and how cute they'll look, and how I'll get some great attention with these adorable boots and will have something practical to wear (I'm just being honest here, I know it makes me look ugly, I'm okay with that). So fast forward a few days to our friends inviting us over for dinner. Now, she's a stay-at-home mom, and he's a musician, and they're on a tight budget. So she begins telling me this story after dinner about how she dropped her wedding ring in the disposal and ran it, and the ring is trashed, the stone is gone etc. They didn't really have the money to buy the ring from the jeweler (they had the same one still for sale) so she was going to have to scrounge up enough gold to sell to buy the ring.

So you know where this is going. I began thinking about the woman who gave everything, extravagantly. And God totally put it on my heart to give her the necklace so she could use it to put towards her wedding ring.

This caused such an overflow in my soul, blessed me so greatly, being able to let go of this covetous, worldly side of myelf that just wants more more more, and give. After this happened, God began showing me more and more where I can spend myself.

Listen to these verses:
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" Mark 8:35-36

I began thinking about how tightly I hold on to things of this world, to wanting more, to struggling to give even a little, and I'm not just talking money, I'm talking how hard it is for me to give of myself, my time, my energy, my prayers, to my kids, my nation, my husband, my world. I often do nothing because I feel I can only give a little and believe that it won't amount to anything. I think of problems like the sex trafficking industry, Haiti, orphans, abortion, a world that hurts and groans out for a Savior and some hope. And I know that hope! I can share it! Yet I'm so greedy, so caught up in my pursuit of gain, in my selfishness that I turn a blind eye. Today I heard a speaker say this and it was as if God was speaking directly to my heart:

"nobody is greater mistaken than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."

Go forth, and give your life away.

Listening

The other day I went to pick Ellie up from the child care at Bible Study and when I got to the door and saw her in someone's arms she was completely content, not even looking my direction. As soon as I said "Ellie" she turned fast immediately knowing whose voice she heard and reaching for me.

There is something about mothering that creates in us a gaping hole for Christ continuously. That is why I want more kids, and at the same time don't know if I can handle more. I am shepherding my little ones, as I am being shepherded. When I saw Ellie's reaction to my voice, God recalled this verse to my mind:
"He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice." John 10:3-4

There are so many voices I'm tempted to listen to throughout my day. Second by second voices are telling me I should put my kids in daycare and get a job, because this is too hard for me. That I'm ruining them. That I'm not good enough. That I'm always tired, grumpy, snappy, and that's what they'll remember me as. That anyone else could do a better job than me, or that mothering is not one of the best ways I could spend my prime of life.

I pray that I will spend enough time listening to my own shepherd's voice before all the other voices begin in my day, that when they start with their lies, I will clearly hear and follow my true Shepherd, and react just like my little Ellie the moment she knew her mama was near. Crying, reaching, and striving to be near.

The Lord is my Shepherd

Mommying got hard again. Dang it.

I coast. Seriously, I'll be drifting along, running my errands to Target, doing whatever I want to do (emphasis "I"), when eventually I realize, I'm not even investing in these kids. So I start staying home more, being more there, being more engaged to train them, and then...it starts to suck.
Or at least suck the life out of me.

Recently I've been reading about God being our Shepherd and this morning found particular peace and encouragement in my Good Shepherd. Particularly the fact that he goes before me.
Here's what he said to me this morning:

"Jenn, I've been on this part of the trail already, I've seen it, and it gets a little rocky. It's probably going to be hard for a while, but I wouldn't lead you here if I didn't KNOW that you could do it. Just follow me, put your feet exactly where mine go, don't stray off and if you do, trust that I'll bring you back here. Follow. I have been before you. I know what it's like and I'm leading you somewhere amazing."

Read Psalm 23

The Tomato Said it Best

If you've been a parent for long, surely God has used veggie tales at some point to remind you of a spiritual truth. It sounds ridiculous, but there has been more than one occasion that I've found myself crying over a talking vegetable reading a Bible verse. Go ahead...laugh....keep laughing.....
Okay, now, can we get on with this?
The cool thing about God is that he knows what we need before we do. Like last night, when I watched the Gideon movie with Linco.
There were so many things that I thought were amazing about Gideon's story. How he trusted the Lord to provide his strength, How God had chosen him to carry out this trust and see a great working of God's strength, and that he was weak.

So much I could relate to. But then I clicked off the power, and started to put Lincoln to bed. Little did I know I was about to face the hardest battle I had ever had as a mommy.

We started going through the bedtime routine and he started to disobey. I began dealing with it, and he continued to refuse to disobey. I can't describe specifically what was going on, but I began to flounder when I saw nothing I told him to do had any weight. I would tell him to do something, and he'd coldly stare back at me and calmly ignore me as if I had said nothing. I kept telling him to do the same thing and he continued to refuse.
This went on for entirely too long (me feeling frantic and terrified of how long this would happen--I HAD no collateral) until I threatened to throw away his beloved (and most prized) Larry Boy mobile.

Guess what...It's gone (your kid might be getting it for Christmas). That....was really hard, and later I shed many more tears about having to throw away the Larry Mobile (I know...in John's words "It's just a toy".)

Finally, the straw that broke it was threatening to throw away his favorite stuffed animal (which I would have done, and hated even more). He complied and broke down.

Okay....before you start on me--let me tell you that I know! I look back and see all the things I could have done differently, I could have set a timer and given him some time to think and walked away--prayed my face off--then walked back and asked him to make a different choice. I could have been more loving and reassuring in the midst of it. But in it...I was pathetic.
I put him to bed, called John and bawled my eyes out all night long. Bemoaning my "unfit"-tedness as a mother, the fact that I'm ruining my kids and that surely they're going to end up as drug dealers or drag queens some day because of my lack of wisdom. I finally fell asleep, way earlier than normal, exhausted and with eyes so swollen from crying I couldn't see out of them (but somehow resisted the urge to drown my sorrows in an entire bag of Halloween candy).
This morning, I woke up feeling like I never wanted to set foot on the ground again, and I sure didn't want to do the mommy thing today.
I got up anyways, and began to read my Bible. I decided to read....Gideon.

Here's what God showed me:
1. God refused to drive out the enemies of the Israelites as he did before as a test of their reliance on him (Judges 2:17-18). Isn't this the same thing as my situation? Every time Lincoln disobeys, and I have a chance to deal with his disobedience, I am doing so out of obedience to God. I am addressing Linc's rebellion because I have to obey God. It's a chance for me to respond to God with obedience, and respond to my kids with love and gentleness (instead of what I want to do, which is ignore it and look the other way). The point is not to get really good kids, but to grow closer to God in the way I parent (or do anything for that matter).

2. "When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior." (Judges 6:12) God is also with me, the outcome of my kids depends not on my own strength or amazing parenting, but to God, who will work in Lincoln's life in some way, no matter what I do. I put way too much stock in my own actions. Also, he called Gideon a mighty warrior, even before he was one. Just like God sees me as all the wonderful and perfect things I have inherited in Christ, even before I have become them.

3. In Hebrews 11:34 Gideon is spoken of in the "Faith hall of fame" as being one "whose weakness was turned into strength" and "who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies". This is all attributed to Gideon because of his faith in God. Not because of his skill, wisdom, or quickness with the sword. How--too- can my weakness not be turned into strength as I respond to God with obedience?

4. "The Lord turned to him and said "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" Judges 6:14
Now, we can know from scripture and the promises of God to us who believe two things: 1. We have strength too (God's spirit lives in us) and 2. He has chosen us.
I have been chosen to take care of these children I've been given. I could give you countless scriptures about how God has appointed us as mommies to be there with our kids, training and raising them. So there's no mistake there. Also, I have the strength from God's Spirit living in me to do good to my kids, and obey God.
All it takes is applying that faith in this in my own life.

So today, I'm beginning fresh. Believing in what God says, and holding on to this whole "mighty warrior" thing. If you see me at the grocery store wearing my kids plastic costume armor...now you know. Have a great day, mighty warrior!