Thursday, April 07, 2011
I almost titled this post Conviction, because I've recently been totally convicted about something that I'm pursuing...then I looked up the definition...here's what it said:
Conviction: a fixed or firm belief
I'm not sure I could in good conscience use that term...as I'm not too convinced that I live like this is a firm belief in my life, yet.
So there's this really awful little feature that I just discovered on my blog and that is the "stats" feature. This is where you can track how many people look at your blog, how many have looked at which post, how many from other websites, which websites...it's (as I mentioned) terrible.
But I'm obsessed.
I check it...a.....lot.
And I'm vowing to stop. Completely--to not even look (I'm cringing as I type) because it puts all the focus on me, and my endeavors. If I start looking there, I'm not really writing for the right reasons (to bring glory to God, and what he's teaching me)...I'm writing to try and get more peeks at my posts.
I'm reading the book Radical by David Platt, and he spends a lot of time talking about what we do in our own strength, and how (long story short) it's a waste of our life. There's this thought he shares:
"This, after all, is the goal of the American dream: to make much of ourselves. But here the gospel and the American dream are clearly and ultimately antithetical to each other. While the goal of the American dream is to make much of us, the goal of the gospel is to make much of God."
So there's this stuff going into my brain...reminding me that the why is always more important than the what. Then there's this whole other stream of thoughts also going on that I am learning, and that is...I love to write. I love to act. I love to be in large groups of women, and love to make them laugh.
Now originally, I thought these two things were opposing forces. One was selfish, me wanting to pursue my dreams and my goals, and my desires to get attention, and the other was a crucifying of myself and a dying to myself, and living miserably, but in a way that exalts God.
I'm realizing that the to work in perfect tandem with each other. That they are both possibly from God. That it is good for me to love to write, be funny, and act. Those are blessings when they are done to make much of the gospel.
I'm sure the rest of you have realized this, but it's been beautiful for me to wake up to (honestly, I can feel a weight coming off my chest even writing this post).
And I'm ecstatic about living this adventure he has. One that will be marked with suffering and hardship (I am sure) but that holds the potential to make much of a God who is ultimately satisfying to all who find him.
I want to live in that kind of way. Surrendering everything I have, gifts, resources, time, and breath and steps and energy. All for the glory of God. I want every post to make much of him, every choice in how I spend my time to make much of him.
Think of how big I can dream if I'm relying on the power of an infinite God. Think of how much God will be able to do now that I'm trying (moment by moment) to get out of the way.
Think of how small it is to only live to make much of ourselves. To live day in and out pursuing the goal of making wonderful grandiose praises for my own little kingdom that will last sixty some more years at most.
That's the beauty of living for the gospel--one day I will not be remembered, but my God will still be known, better to give my life up pointing others toward him.
Live like we're dying...cause we are.
Posted by Jenn at 11:25 AM