Thursday, February 28, 2008

Confessions from mommyhood

I know of no other calling in life where what you want to do and what you must do come to a neck-breaking collision more than in least I didn't think I did. Here's a story...
My futile attempts to keep the backseat of my car clean are dashed, Lincoln manages to dump every type of snack I hand him on the floor, making it look more like a pond of little goldfish than the floormats my husband once so cleverly negotiated upon the purchase of our car. I remember those days. Staying up late, watching movies from start to finish, eating hot meals, having clean clothes....ahhh.
But alas, I am pulled back to reality with the shriek of a 20 month old and a kick in the side from our unborn monster (remind me what we were thinking)...I go through my day, chasing, playing, carrying, monitoring all the while feeling more and more taxed as I realize I just want to take a shower, or get dressed without my laundry being quite uncarefully strewn all over my floor. What happened to my house? It used to be so clean. Why can't I read my Bible without hearing "all done" 40 times from the high chair next to me? I remember the days of hour-long Bible studies UNinterrupted. What IS that stuff on my shirt anyways--graham cracker? Cheerios? I find myself in my car eventually, running late for Bible study (a perpetual struggle for me of cosmic proportions) when I realize I have lost all ability to think rationally and start gushing tears. How did I get here? How did I get to be that crazy mom? When will my life be manageable again? After two kids?....heh heh. *sob sob sob*

I glance into the mirror to realize that my face is now completely soaked in tears and I know there is no way I can go into a building of wonderful sweet caring women and some of my closest friends looking like I've just been crying and not have to talk about it.
I open my glove box hoping by some unique twist of events that a pack of tissues has suddenly materialized in there, and find my hopes dashed. I stare apprehensively for a moment at the size 4 diaper I keep in case of emergencies (and trust me they are just that), throw my inhibitions to the wind (clearly a woman crying in her car is not in a position of high standing anyways) and I grab the diaper and begin soaking up my tears with it.
Here I am...sitting in my car...crying into a diaper...hoping desperately none of my friends walk by and I realize how comical the situation is and start laughing.
Am I this helpless? "Lord, I need a fresh word from you, I need to hear your voice. More desperately than I have in a while I need some intervention, some perspective. I am drained, and I need your spirit. I am completely sucking the bottom of the bucket. I need your voice"
And faithfully as the tides, it comes. Isn't it a thing of wonder that the God of everything stoops to wipe out tears?
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24
I realize this pursuit of being mommy is not unlike my walk with God. What other path can I seek to pursue that requires every ounce of my life and energy. That demands I sacrifice the things I once used to pursue so passionately for a cause outside myself that is so much more important to me? What other lifestyle is left empty without a complete emptying of myself, and requires a constant dialogue, a continual dependence, a relentless reliance on the creator of the universe? The two are paralleled in ways too clear to be coincidental.
The Lord is constantly reminding me that the things I used to pursue are no longer important, as a woman in Christ, I am supposed to serve, and in that serving lead my children and other peoples children (old and young) to see God. "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men," Ephesians 6:7 I can think of no greater calling that requires me to become less. "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30
To close, I quote my husband. In a card to our neighbors who recently found out they are pregnant John simply wrote this, "At first you'll feel like you've given up everything, but after a while you'll realize the things you've given up aren't nearly as great as the things you gain." And it is like.. "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ" Philippians 3:8.
And all God's people said...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

amen, sister!