Saturday, May 16, 2009
Lest you think I am (or think myself to be) a "good Christian" (as if there were such an absurd thing)--this post will seek to smash all arguments to support this.
John and I have a little saying in our home, "mountains and valleys". Maybe we didn't think of this, but it makes me feel cooler and smarter to have thought up a phrase like this....so I pretend it is unique.
For example, I called John the other day and recalled a story to him about how Lincoln had peed on the floor twice and then came up to me and told me he had to sit on the potty. John was excited, and I just smiled and said "mountains and valleys honey" to which he replied, "mountains and valleys".
So let's just say I had this day this week where it was abundantly, crystal, perfectly (like ocean on a summer day) clear that God was using me, interacting with me, right there engaging with my life. I felt so encouraged, I felt so uplifted, I felt so...important.
I read a line in a book I'm reading that really resonated with me, "God loves you the same whether you're being elegant or not. It feels much better when you are, but even when you can't fake it, God still listens to your prayers." (don't know how to properly "quote" said author in this blog....and can't find my writer's harbrace so......It was Anne Lamott who said it...in a book).
So let's just say the next few days were less than thrilling.
I woke up the next morning, and it was like before I set my feet on the floor I knew.....it was a boring day.
The whole day followed suit, and proved my point. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.
Potty training, staying at home, pee on the floor, mac and cheese, bad coffee from Walmart. It was just all-around a Walmart brand day.
And the next day the same.
It kept on till I finally started telling God I couldn't stand it. I can handle being spiritually high. I can even stomach the lows where I feel like the scum of the earth and I'm totally empty of myself, but I'm aware of God's love for me.
I cannot stomach the mediums.
And I was just medium. Plain-jane.
I've got to be passionate about something or my bones will dry up, my brain will melt right out of my ears. So here I was talking to God.
"Lord, I don't understand--one day things are great and I feel like you're near me, and we're going out and doing great things and I'm totally in love with you and excited, and the next...I'm walmart."
It was really hard for me. I can understand why God would allow the mountaintops, even the valleys....but the plains?
I basically pleaded with God to say something....anything...even..."yeah Jenn...you're boring...I agree."
Then this popped into my head:
"But when he asks he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6
Yeah....that was me.
I had to stop and ask myself what I was doubting, and the result was a lot of dangerous lies that had seeped into my brain and were threatening to turning me into something awful and radioactive.
I was doubting God was still there with me.
The truth: "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
I was doubting that Christ's power to save me was still enough for me even when I didn't feel like it was.
The truth: "He saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy." Titus 3:5
So I realized that God is a God of the spaces. A God not only of the exclamation points. The question marks. The periods. But also a God that dwells over and in the moments where there is nothing.
He is a God of the mountains....a God of the valleys, and a God of the plains.
To believe anything less about my life is to believe less about Him.
Posted by Jenn at 6:41 AM