Monday, October 02, 2006

The unhappiest place on earth

So, if at one end of the spectrum you have Disney World, which is quite possibly the closest you can get to being a kid at age 30 and is also the happiest place on earth (something I fully buy into), at the other end of the spectrum you have...
This place could easily pass for the third ring of Dante's Inferno, and if I had to pick one place I'd never want to go for the rest of my life it would be here.
You know when they were wondering what to do with the terrorist who orchestrated 9/11? I say we send him to Wal mart, strap him into one of those smiley face vests and never let him leave..that would be enough to strike fear into even the coldest of hearts.
You may be wondering "What's so bad about Walmart? I mean, they do have great savings and they carry quite a selection of products", well, to simplify things (and ensure that John will keep reading this because a list looks more concise) I'll give you my top ten reasons I hate Walmart.
10. There is only one bathroom and if I want to use it I have to cross Wal Country all the way through the video and fabric departments to get to it, and upon arriving often have to wait in line just to use a dirty stall that hasn't been thought about let alone cleaned for days.
9. I inevitably get stuck behind someone pushing their cart so slow they may as well be moving backward and stopping at each of the end caps to stare at the great sales they have on pop tarts and mexican soda, and I can't pass them because they refuse to go to one side of the aisle.
7. They're always out of one thing that I need. They'll have Jell-O in every flavor you could ever dream of but when I reach for a box of couscous there isn't a single package left. I hate you Walmart.
6. There is invariably a woman with 15 kids that are all running around grabbing things off shelves and screaming at the top of their lungs while the mother is blissfully unaware of anything that's going on around her.
5. No one that works there EVER knows where anything is...but they pretend like they do sending you all over the store until you eventually find it on your own.
4. The parking lot is so huge it needs two zipcodes and the spaces in front are never open (so do the faithful Walmart fans show up at 5:00am and take all the good parking all day or what?)
3. Their carts are always crappy. Not only are they engineered in a way that when I put Linc's car seat in the front his head is a foot lower than his feet, which makes him start to scream, but they always have something sticky on them, or a squeaky wheel--just to remind me of how annoyed I am the whole time I'm shopping.
2. It smells funny--Is it meat? Fish? Bathroom cleaner? I don't know...and I'm not sure I want to.
1. That &*$% smiley face staring at me every corner I turn, reminding me of their "rollback" prices, when all it makes me wanna do is rollback and punch his fat yellow head.

There you have it...I don't feel bad for saying it and I won't ever apologize- I hate you Walmart...always and forever. But rest assured, I still shop there. Because under their flourescent lights amidst the nauseating aisles upon aisles of american consumerism I can save about $50 on my grocery bill. And that's how they get ya!
(To balance my nasty attitude this post, I've added a picture of the happy family to brighten your day)

No comments: